A few months ago, I did something to completely lose my mom's trust. She told me specifically not to do something, but I did it anyways. She didn't trust me for a long time, but now I feel like she knows I would never do anything like what I did before, again. For months I felt like I was getting really close to my mom, but all of a sudden, I feel like I'm on the fringe again. I'm honestly trying my hardest to please her. I want us to be able to trust each other. Sure, we would pick small fights with each other all the time, but hey! what do you expect? I'm a hormonal teenage girl and she's a helicopter mom. There is no way we would agree on everything.
But our relationship really improved. A few years- heck, months!- ago, I could never understand why people would say, "my mom is my best friend" or, "what do you mean you're not going to tell your mom about that?" My parent-strategy was "stay as private as you can and remember, you only have __ more years until college" and let me tell you, I like the open book method SO MUCH MORE. I didn't lie, I would be honest. Plus, with the group of people I'm hanging out with, there's nothing to lie about! No one bullies (unless we're playfully bullying each other) and not one is catty. It really is a perfect friend group. (Oh, by the way, I would like to change the name of the group to the Fangirls. It's much more fitting :) )
BUT I feel like they are disappointed in me. They are all such genuine, caring people, I don't think I could ever be as great as they are. I am so proud and happy to be with them, yet I don't think their enthusiasm matches mine. Ideally, we all love each other equally, but I know that's not the case. I'm almost okay with that though- at least they've touched my heart and if they decide to dump me, I could run away to Canada and use the lessons they've taught me (that was my old excuse for if my parents ever started hating me.)
OTHER NEWS IN MY LIFE THAT I HAVE YET TO SHARE WITH THE REST OF THE WORLD
RELIGION WARNING (If you don't believe in God or the Christian religion, feel free to scroll past. I won't know, and I won't be offended).
I am connecting more with God. I pray every night, and sometimes manage to pray 2-3 other times during the day. Ever since I started this class at my church, everything changed. I'm seeing things in a whole new way. Whenever I feel lonely, scared, worried, sad, or on the opposite side, thankful, happy, proud, I talk to God. I know He is always with me, and always loves me. I don't have to worry as much anymore, because I know He is in control of my life (fun fact: I do not like being the leader or being in charge of anything. Including my own life. I prefer it when people tell me what to do. I'm not a pushover, but I don't want to be the one to blame when something goes wrong) . He may not fix all my problems, but He will be there with me, touching my shoulder, through all of them. I used to feel so alone, but now all I have to do is pray and have all my troubles lifted away. He is my shoulder to cry on whenever I may need it. It's just so...comforting. During the class, we were learning about what it means when (Methodists at least) have communion. It's basically to renew your love with God. I was so inspired by that, I wanted to have communion right that very second. I was in a squabble with my mom at the time, and I was so worried, I wanted to confess all my sins, so we could stop fighting. Later, a church, it turns out that WAS a communion day. (Luckily, us Methodists believe in having communion as much as possible). I got to our pew first, and while I was waiting for my mom to show up. I realized there was no real reason for us to be arguing, When she showed up, we forgave each other, and during a time when we could silently pray, I thanked God, and after taking communion, I felt like I was whole again. I love being a Methodist, and I love my church. It's gigantic, and full of some of the kindest people you would ever meet. If you are interested (I know you probably aren't though) I will answer any questions you have. I'm no expert, but I could offer some advice in the religion areaif you need some.
I've completely given up on my semi-popular friends group at this point. They're extremely catty and I was a fool not to realize it sooner. I don't need them or their rudeness. A few days ago, I was on the bus, and my old best friend and her new best friend were involved in a group that was completely bashing this really unpopular girl in my grade. I've known her since we were four, and while she annoys me most of the time, I feel bad for her, and our moms are really good friends. She doesn't have any true-best friends. It makes me sad, and I try to be as nice as I can to her. ANYWAYS this group consisted of 6-7 people (INCLUDING THE GUY. I HAVE LOST ALL RESPECT FOR HIM) and they were like "Hey look! True (that's her code name. It has nothing to do with her actual name) isn't on the bus today! Let's all talk bad about her!" Literally. I was horrified. Then they started talking about how "the shape of her face disgusted them" and how she said "my mom won't let me wear a bikini because she's too fat". Now, I know her mom really well. In fact, she's one of the adults outside my family that knows me the best. I know she would never say that to her, and even if she did, True wouldn't have told that to that girl unless she thought she wouldn't tell anyone. They then continued to say things like "I wish I have PE so I could see how fat she is" and "EW! There is fat oozing out of every part of her body." I was completely horrified. I mean, most people don't really like her, but this was true abuse. I was straight out offended. I didn't say anything though. I just stayed silent, which I seriously regret now. But in that moment, I lost all faith in humanity. I texted my cousin all about it (in case you don't remember, I tell her everything.) She comforted me, but I knew I should still have stood up for her.
Yesterday afternoon, they started the bashing again (True wasn't riding). I gave them a minute to stop, and realize they were making a big mistake, but they didn't, so I just said "Guys, stop. Do you realize how mean you're being right now?" I didn't yell (which is what I wanted to do) but the Guy's best friend was like "Why should we? She's mean to us." and I said, "That doesn't matter. She's still human and she's my friend. So Stop." Then, my old best friend (who I can't bear to talk to anymore) said "Ok honey, we'll stop" But it was really catty and I know she was just saying it to shut me up. They did stop though, and when the Guy tried to bring it up again, I glared and he stopped immediately. it felt good. (I promise I'm not posting this to brag. I just wanted to write it out). Sadly, they then brought up the code names the old semi-populars and I came up with last year for the guys we liked. I was part of that, and I was worried they would bring up the guy I liked, who is a really good friend of mine. I've liked him on and off over the past year, we talk a lot, and our families are friends. (I'll talk about him in another post. His name will be Oliver (THAT HAS NO CORRELATION TO HIS ACTUAL NAME) )I didn't want anything to get awkward if he heard that I liked him, so I was trying to stop that conversation, but luckily, I don't matter to that group, so they didn't even mention me. Whew. Now I have to survive the bus again in two days. Wish me luck
In other news, I am now editing and posting my friend's fanfiction on Wattpad. It's about Doctor Who and it's wonderful. Maybe at some point I'll put in the link. It's just, a bunch of my friends follow the account, and it says my and my friend's names on the account, and I'm not sure I want those released on this site yet.
Finally, (This is random) I've found that writing out experiences or feelings is helping me to relax more. I stress out easily and a lot, and I don't want to annoy my friends with my problems, but this blog and the journal we're all required to write in in my language arts class has really helped. I've written a lot more in that ELA journal than I probably should have. My teacher is probably like "Whoa girl! Calm down! You're weird!" Whenever I write, I forget that people are actually going to read that, so everything is really my stream of consciousness. That's why there's so much randomness. Sorry guys!
Thank you for letting me vent and freak out! Feel free to email me with anything or reply to my blog. I love hearing from my beautiful readers :)